Summary
Many parents need support discussing sexuality with their child who has intellectual and developmental disabilities (I/DD). This article provides practical, age-appropriate tips to help initiate conversations, answer questions, and build open communication.
Many parents of children with developmental disabilities need help talking about sexuality. Here are some general tips for talking about this sensitive topic.
1. You may have to initiate.
Many children will not ask questions, so you may need to bring it up. This can be done by saying, “Now that you’re growing up, I want to talk with you about body changes,” or, “Some people have many questions about sexuality, like how are babies made? Or will I ever find a partner? Or what is a condom? What questions do you have about these topics?”
2. Give age-appropriate information.
It is important to talk with your child about sexuality topics for their actual biological age, not their cognitive age. For example, when a girl is 11 years old, it’s important that she learns about body changes to prepare her for puberty, even if her “cognitive” age is 5. The trick is finding ways to teach abstract concepts in ways that your child can understand.
3. Take advantage of “teachable moments.”
The best way to start a discussion is to take advantage of everyday events that provide a perfect opening. If someone in your neighborhood is pregnant, talk with your child about it. If you’re with your child watching a television show or listening to music in the car, figure out if the content might spark a conversation about sexuality.
4. Simplify your responses.
When answering your child’s questions, less is more. Begin with the most straightforward explanation and move to a more complex one if your child remains interested or asks questions.
5. Be patient.
Concepts will need to be covered more than once. Skills will probably not be learned after one discussion or practice session. Expect children to ask the same questions again and again. Find ways to be concrete. Use anatomically correct dolls, 3-D models, drawings, photographs, and videos.
6. Try to give a consistent message.
It can be confusing for children with developmental disabilities when their parents give one message and a provider gives another message. Work closely with the people in your child’s life to establish and provide consistent, positive messages about sexuality.
7. Try not to react.
If your child does something inappropriate or asks a shocking question, try not to react. Try to remain calm. Respond to the behavior by naming it and telling them what is appropriate to do. Answer the question in a matter-of-fact way. How you respond sends a message about sexuality and tells your child whether you are an “askable” parent.
8. Provide for practice in a safe setting.
Some skills may be easy to break down into smaller steps, while others will present a greater challenge. For example, it may be fairly easy to teach a young adult how to use a condom correctly, but it may be much harder to teach a young adult how to ask a partner to use a condom and what to do if the partner refuses. Role-playing is a method for practicing these skills – you pretend you are the partner, and your child brings up using condoms. It gives them practice at responding to their partner’s reactions.
9. There is nothing wrong with being embarrassed.
There is also nothing wrong with telling your children that you are embarrassed. This helps clarify to your child that the embarrassment belongs to you, not to them or the topic. You may even explain that your parents did not talk with you much if that is the case, and that is why you feel embarrassed.
10. Let a book say the embarrassing stuff.
That way, you and your child are a team, confronting and reacting to all the embarrassing things in the book.
11. You do not need to know the answer to every question.
You and your child can hunt for it together if you do not know the answer. Use local resources—libraries, doctors, nurses, Planned Parenthood Health Centers, etc.
12. If a question throws you, you have the right to answer it later.
Sometimes, children pose questions we would like to answer, but we may be so taken aback that we do not know how to respond. It is perfectly okay to say, “I would like to answer that question, but first, I need to think about what I want to say.” Just make sure you answer the question later.
13. You have the right to pass on personal questions.
One way to help children develop their own privacy standards is to show them that you also have your own limits.
14. Watch your body language.
Your words and body language should convey the same message. Do not grimace when you say, “What a great question!”
15. Practice and repetition makes it easier.
Each time you respond in a way that helps your child learn concretely and positively, it will get easier for you. Try imagining the most challenging question your child could throw your way and practice answering it. Let your children “overhear” conversations. Your child may be too embarrassed to discuss sexual topics, but they may not mind hearing a discussion about the topic.
16. Ask your child for their opinion.
Their self-respect begins with the consideration they receive from others.
17. Have a backup person for your child.
Ideally, we want our kids to talk with us, but they may feel uncomfortable and need an alternative. Find someone with values similar to yours that your child can go to if they have a question or a concern.
These tips will help you have successful conversations with your child about sexuality. Remember, these conversations are not one-time-only talks. Keeping the lines of communication open will help your child learn and help you feel more comfortable talking.
Download the Free Handout (PDF)
Ready to take action?
- Browse Elevatus Curricula & Online Workshop Series
- Become a Sexuality Educator
- Complete One of Our Self-Study Courses
- Register for Upcoming Workshops
By Katherine McLaughlin
Katherine McLaughlin, M.Ed., AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, is the Founder, CEO, and Lead Trainer for Elevatus Training. She has been a sexuality educator and trainer for over 30 years. As a national expert on sexuality and intellectual and developmental disabilities, she trains professionals and parents, as well as people with I/DD, to become sexual self-advocates and peer sexuality educators.
