This guide walks you through three types of relationships — healthy, unhealthy, and unsafe — and provides a practical, step-by-step tool for honestly examining the connections in your own life. Whether you are a person with I/DD working through this on your own or a supporter helping someone you care about, the steps below will help you see clearly and decide what comes next.
Healthy relationships are at the heart of a good life — but knowing whether a relationship is truly healthy, unhealthy, or unsafe is not always easy. This is especially true for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, who may not always have had access to clear, accessible information about what healthy relationships look like.
This guide — designed for people with I/DD and the professionals, educators, and parents who support them — breaks it down simply and practically. Use the steps below to look at the relationships in your life and decide on your next steps.
Step One: Understand the Difference
Before you can evaluate your relationships, it helps to know what you are looking for. Here is what healthy, unhealthy, and unsafe relationships look like.
Healthy Relationships
A healthy relationship makes you feel safe, respected, and supported.
What it looks like:
You can be yourself without fear.
You both listen to each other.
Disagreements happen, but they are handled calmly.
There is trust — you do not feel the need to check up on each other constantly.
You respect each other’s boundaries (like privacy, time with friends, or personal space).
You feel good about yourself when you are with them.
In short: You feel valued and secure.
Unhealthy Relationships
An unhealthy relationship has ongoing problems that are not handled well, but it does not feel dangerous or unsafe. If your relationship is unhealthy, you will need to decide how to make it healthy or that it is not the right relationship for you.
What it looks like:
Lots of arguing without resolution.
One person puts the other down or ignores their feelings.
Poor communication (silent treatment, blaming).
You often feel stressed, confused, or drained.
In short, something does not feel right, and your needs are not consistently being met.
Unsafe Relationships
An unsafe relationship goes beyond unhealthy — it involves fear, harm, or control.
What it looks like:
Physical harm (hitting, pushing, blocking you from leaving).
Threats or intimidation.
Extreme control (who you see, what you wear, where you go).
Sexual pressure or force.
You feel scared of how they might react.
You feel trapped or powerless.
In short: You feel afraid, controlled, or physically or emotionally harmed.
The Key Difference
Healthy = Safe, respectful, supportive.
Unhealthy = Ongoing negative patterns.
Unsafe = Fear, harm, or danger.
If you ever feel unsafe in a relationship, it is important to reach out to someone you trust or a professional support service.
Step Two: Look at Your Relationships
List your friendships and relationships. For each one, decide if it is healthy, unhealthy, or unsafe.
You can use the downloadable worksheet below to write them down and check the box that fits best.
Review your healthy relationships and choose one. Decide what you might do to let that person know what you appreciate about your relationship.
Here is an example:
My healthy relationship is with: Tiffany What can I do to let them know? Send her a text saying how important she is to me.
For your unhealthy relationships:
Choose one unhealthy relationship and decide what you might do or say to address how you feel. You may decide to work on the relationship, or decide it is not the right relationship for you.
For your unsafe relationships:
If you are in an unsafe or abusive relationship, you do not have to handle it alone. There are people and organizations that can help.
If a relationship feels unsafe, here are four steps to take:
Talk to someone you trust about what is happening.
Make a safety plan to leave or avoid unsafe situations. This plan reminds you of what to do and who to ask for help.
Write down what happens if you feel safe doing so.
Ask someone you trust — a family member, support person, or friend — for help.
All relationships need work and good communication skills. Sometimes we may decide to work on certain areas in our relationships, or sometimes we may decide to end them. Either way, you get to decide what is right for you.
If you or someone you support is in an unsafe relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7: 800-799-7233.
How Supporters Can Help
If you are a professional, educator, or parent supporting a person with I/DD, you play an important role in helping them navigate their relationships. Here is how you can use this guide:
Share the worksheet with the person you support.
If needed, read the questions aloud and give examples.
Let the person choose their own answers and guide the conversation.
The goal is to empower the person with I/DD to make their own assessments — not to make decisions for them.
Katherine McLaughlin, M.Ed., AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, is the Founder, CEO, and Lead Trainer for Elevatus Training. She has been a sexuality educator and trainer for over 30 years. As a national expert on sexuality and intellectual and developmental disabilities, she trains professionals and parents, as well as people with I/DD, to become sexual self-advocates and peer sexuality educators.
