How to Explain Puberty to a Teenager with I/DD

Summary

Young people with intellectual and developmental disabilities need clear information about their changing bodies, and that information also helps protect them from sexual abuse. This guide shows parents how to start the conversation, whether or not changes have begun. It covers accurate words for body parts, picture-based routines for period care, calm scripts for erections and wet dreams, and how to teach privacy while respecting your teen’s rights. It also covers when to involve your teen’s healthcare professional.

“No one explained puberty to me. I had to learn it by myself.” A self-advocate named Rebecca shared that when we asked what she wished she had been taught. Ida, who was there too, said, “I wish they had given me an introduction to puberty.”

Their words are a reminder that young people need information about their changing bodies. Leaving puberty unexplained makes it more difficult to navigate and may make the experience scary and confusing.

Talking about puberty matters for another reason, too. Puberty education gives your child other skills that will help them protect themselves. Puberty education is sexual abuse prevention. When your child knows the correct names for their body parts, knows their body belongs to them, understands what privacy means, and has an adult they trust, they are better able to recognize when something is wrong and tell someone. Often, that someone is you.

As a parent of two grown children, I know how difficult it can be to discuss puberty, sexual development, and sexuality with your children. The good news is that you do not have to be an expert on the subject. You just need to be an “askable” parent — someone your teen can come to with questions and trust to listen.

If you feel embarrassed, that is okay. You can even tell your child you are embarrassed. That makes it clear the embarrassment belongs to you rather than them. Your child should understand that their body and their questions are nothing to be ashamed of.

This article covers how to begin, ways to describe body changes, and how to give and teach privacy.

Start where your teen is now

It helps to talk about puberty before changes begin. But if your teen is already experiencing them, you can start today.

Begin with what they have noticed. You might ask, “Have you noticed anything different about your body?” Your teen may answer with words, pictures, gestures, or a communication device. Give them time and a way to respond.

Choose one change to discuss. You do not need to explain everything at once.

You might say: “As you grow, your body changes. This is called puberty. It is when your body is changing from a child to an adult. You might notice hair in new places or a different smell when you sweat. We can talk about what is happening and what you can do.”

Keep returning to the conversation. A question during laundry or on a trip to buy deodorant may give you a useful starting point.

Use clear words and concrete examples

Use accurate names for body parts, including penis, vulva, and breasts. Explain unfamiliar words as you introduce them. Your teen needs language they can use to ask questions, describe discomfort, and ask for help.

Pair an explanation with something your teen can see or use. Show them the deodorant as you discuss body odor. Open a pad together while explaining periods.

Then check what your explanation meant to them. Instead of only asking, “Do you understand?” try, “Can you show me where you would find a clean pad?” or “What could you do if you had a question?”

If something is unclear, try another explanation. You are finding a way to communicate together.

Make routines something your teen can practice

Pictures and short checklists can help make a routine easier to follow. Break it into manageable steps and work through them together.

For period care, the steps might look like this:

1. Take off the used pad and wrap it up in toilet paper.
2. Put the used pad in the bin.
3. Find a clean pad.
4. Open it and place it in your underwear.

Practice with clean supplies before they are needed, when possible.

Include your teen in decisions. Which supplies feel comfortable? Would they prefer pictures, written reminders, or help from a particular person? Where would they like to keep their supplies?

Offer the support they need while respecting their privacy. Explain before helping with personal care and ask permission before touching their body. This shows them that their body belongs to them.

These resources can help. Look through them first and choose a small section that fits your conversation.

• Healthy Bodies guides from the Vanderbilt Kennedy Center
• Period Education Guide from OHSU
• Having Periods, a free social story about period care

Explain erections and wet dreams without shame

Your child with a penis needs clear information about erections and wet dreams, too.

You might explain: “Sometimes your penis gets hard. This is called an erection. This is a normal thing to happen during puberty. It can happen even when you are not thinking about anything sexual.”

For wet dreams, you could say: “Sometimes semen comes out of your penis while you sleep. This is called a wet dream. This is a normal thing to happen during puberty. You did nothing wrong.”

Explain what your teen can do afterward:

1. Wash up. You can take a shower, a bath, or use a washcloth to clean your sexual parts.
2. Put on clean underwear.
3. Put any wet clothing or bedding in the laundry.

Let them know how to ask for help.

Keep your tone matter-of-fact. These conversations can be as ordinary as talking about washing hair or changing clothes.

Teach privacy while respecting your teen’s rights

Privacy includes having space to change clothes, use the bathroom, and care for your body.

Explain what privacy looks like in your home. A bedroom may be shared. A bathroom door may need a sign or a knock-first agreement. Make the expectations clear, and follow them yourself.

Masturbation can be discussed plainly, too: “Touching your own sexual parts (genitals) for pleasure is called masturbation. That is something you do in a private place, where other people are not there and cannot come in and out of the room. Your bedroom or bathroom at home are private places, when the door is closed, and no one can come into the room.”

If your teen needs a reminder, give it calmly. You can teach what “private” means and what private behaviors are, without making them feel bad about their bodies.

Your teen also has a right to boundaries. Ask before hugging them. Respect their answer. Practice ways to communicate “no,” “stop,” and “I need help,” using the communication methods available to them.

These skills need support from the adults around them. Listen when your teen expresses discomfort, and take what they tell you seriously.

Make room for questions — and for help

You will not always have an answer. “I do not know. We can find out together” is a useful response.

If your teen has pain, is worried about a physical change, or needs help you cannot provide, involve their healthcare professional. Help your teen prepare questions and participate in the conversation.

For guidance on talking about sexuality at home, our self-paced course, Talking With Your Kids: Developmental Disability and Sexuality, offers support for parents.

For today, choose one place to begin:

• Ask what your teen has noticed.
• Explain one unfamiliar word.
• Look at one resource together.

Your teen does not need one perfect talk. They need clear information, respect for their growing independence, and someone who will keep listening.

By Katherine McLaughlin

Katherine McLaughlin, M.Ed., AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, is the Founder, CEO, and Lead Trainer for Elevatus Training. She has been a sexuality educator and trainer for over 30 years. As a national expert on sexuality and intellectual and developmental disabilities, she trains professionals and parents, as well as people with I/DD, to become sexual self-advocates and peer sexuality educators.⁠