Katherine McLaughlin shares a 3-step script for teaching consent to people with I/DD: help them believe their life, mind, and body are theirs to control, explore what they want to say yes or no to, then practice putting it into words.
As a sexuality educator, I teach people how to say no, but it is also my job to teach people how to say yes. To be able to say yes to what they want and no to what they do not.
Focusing on teaching people to say no almost implies that saying no is more important than saying yes. I want to be sure everyone knows what they want to say yes to and no to, and have the skills to carry out their decisions.
When teaching people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (I/DD), or anyone, how to say yes or no, to give consent or not, we first have to find out if the person knows and believes it is their life to make decisions about. If the person does not believe this, all the skills and definitions will not make a difference in their ability to consent, to say yes or no.
I offer this lesson to help you navigate the conversation with the people you work with.
What Is Consent?
This is how we define consent:
“Consent is saying yes to doing something that you want to do. Consent is agreeing to do something that you want to do. Consent is giving permission. Asking for consent is asking if something is okay before you do it. Giving consent is saying yes.”
And on what makes touch consensual:
“Consent means yes. It means that someone wants to do something. All touch must be consensual. This means that: Both people agree to and want the touch. Both people say ‘yes.’ And the touch is freely chosen. Freely chosen means without threats, pressure, lies, blackmail, and force.”
Step 1: Help Them Believe Their Life Is Theirs to Control
Ask the person: “Do you believe your life, mind, and body are yours? Yours to make decisions about?”
If they answer yes, validate the response, and then ask:“Are there times when you do not feel like it is your life, mind, or body?”
If they tell you they sometimes do not feel their life is theirs, ask how they can change that and explore options together. If they feel in charge and completely believe the statement, you can move to Step Two.
If they say, “No, I do not believe my life is my own,” then you can ask, “Why do you not believe that?”
There are many possibilities, such as my parents will not let me make my own decisions, or I feel bad when I hurt others, so I do not tell people what I really want or do not want in my life.
You can then ask, “What would it take for you to be in charge of your life? How could you make that happen?”
Some responses to explore could be:
I can talk with my parents about making my own decisions
I can remind myself that I need to speak up for myself in a kind way,
If people get hurt, it is okay because I have to think of my needs first.
You can also make sure the person has lots of opportunities to make decisions about their life and keep reminding them that it is their life and they get to decide what is right for them.
Step 2: Explore What They Want to Say Yes or No To
Since you truly believe that your life, mind, and body are yours, and that you get to decide what is right for you, let’s explore what you want to say yes to and what you want to say no to.
“What do you want in a sexual/romantic relationship?” “How do you want to be treated?”
Lily wants:
To be treated kindly.
To be respected and listened to.
To always feel safe saying no and know my no will be accepted.
Ryan wants:
To have fun and laugh a lot.
To be able to communicate about all topics.
Jordan wants:
To share interests like sports or listening to music.
To be able to be myself around this person.
Then you can ask: “How about you? What do you want to say yes or no to?” You can then take the conversation deeper.
“What sexual acts are you okay with?”
Lily is:
Okay, with kissing, hugging, and touching each other’s bodies.
Okay, with vaginal or oral sex after we have been together for three months.
Ryan is:
Okay, with kissing after the third date.
Okay, with sex after we are married.
Jordan is:
Okay, with having sex before marriage, as long as I am treated with respect.
Then you can ask: “How about you? What do you want to say yes or no to?”
Step 3: Practice Saying Yes or No
Now that you believe it is your life, you know what you want and do not want. It is time to practice.
Let’s take Lily as an example. Lily is in a relationship where she feels respected, listened to, treated kindly, and safe. She has been with her partner for two months. Her partner asks her to have sex.
What can Lily say? According to what she wants, she does not want to have sex until she is with a partner for three months. So, she will say no based on what she wants in her life.
She says, “No.” Her partner says, “How come I thought you cared about me?”
She can say, “I do care about you and myself, too, and I am not ready. I would like to wait a bit longer in our relationship.” Her partner says, “I understand.”
Lily has said what she wants and feels that her partner is kind and respectful, listens to her, AND she feels safe saying what she wants for her life. She can say, “Thanks for listening to me and respecting my decision.”
But let’s say Lily’s partner says, “You are selfish and only think about yourself. I am ready, and you need to do it with me, or I will break up with you.” Now, Lily will see her relationship differently. She will see that her partner is not respecting her, treating her unkindly, and not listening to her.
Also, she is not feeling safe to say what she wants in her relationship. This would be a really good time to get out of there. This is a sign that this is not what she wants in a relationship.
She can tell herself, “This is my life, mind, and body; I get to make decisions for myself, and I am choosing to leave this situation.”
She can say, “No, I will not, and I am leaving right now.”
The bottom line is to consent; you have to know and believe that you are in charge of your life, and that you know what you want and do not want. If you do not believe that, you are not able to consent. Just knowing what consent means is not enough. You must KNOW you are in charge and take control of your life.
Ready to Teach This?
This script is part of Elevatus Training’s teaching curricula for people with I/DD — including the Sexuality Education curriculum and the HSN curriculum, which uses this same DO/SAY script format throughout.
Katherine McLaughlin, M.Ed., AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, is the Founder, CEO, and Lead Trainer for Elevatus Training. She has been a sexuality educator and trainer for over 30 years. As a national expert on sexuality and intellectual and developmental disabilities, she trains professionals and parents, as well as people with I/DD, to become sexual self-advocates and peer sexuality educators.
